some stories from kulka to you

[Kulka]

i wrote that i got my lesson and i prefer to keep my feelinmgs inside me, with no showing them outside to anyone. But i will do that one more time. i dont want to hide, that this topic is addressed mainly toi my brother kak BC, not to fight with him, but to try him to understand me, b ut aslo to all of you - this is a plate on which my inside is.

first story that i should start with - WHY I AM NOT TOTALLY SURE THAT I WASNT BORN AS KURDISH.

it was in 1988 or in 1991, i dont know exactly, maybe any other year about that time, coz i know something wrong was going on in Kurdistan. I was teenager and i completly didnt know anything about these things and i wasnt even interested in that. One day i was at home and the radio was on, one of the polish radio station from Krakow city. Some music, some talking. The guy in the studio said that they have a visitor, he mentioned his name (that i cant remember) and said : "He is Kurd". after that this person was talking about the situation in Kurdistan. He was kurd, who lived in poland and he spoke polish language (quite good, my respect to him, coz to learn polish if you are from other country seems to be is mision impossible). i think i didnt listen to him, coz as i said i wasnt interested that time what was going on in the world.

but these three words - "He is Kurd" came to my head, to my memory and stayed there, i dont know why, but today i remember it as like it was yesterday, i exactly remember the way that he said it. for all these years i didnt think about Kurdistan, i didnt know anything about this country, but from time to time these words appeared in my head, without any reason.

In 2007, after 16 or 19 years i was sitting in one pub with my cousin, who just came back from UK. He was telling me about his life there and people that he has met. He told me about one boy, who worked with him. He told me his name and he added : "He is Kurd". At the same moment these three words from the past returned to me and it seemed to me like my cousin said that exactly the same way as the guy in the radio, with the same sound of voice and the same intonation. And something happened inside me, i dont know what, i dont know why and i couldnt stop to think about it. i asked my cousin to give me this boy's mobile number. I never did thing like that before. Never ever in my life. I never text someone that i dont know, and even i never text or contact any boy as the first - if any boy didnt contact me, i also didnt do that. But this time i did.

so it makes me to think that maybe all that was in me always, from the start, from the very beggings, from my birth. i wasnt born from kurdish parents, thats obvious, but who know if i was or wasnt born as kurdish. this indian guy in my factory, who made racists comments on my kurds - he told me - you are polish. i asked - why? he reply - where you were born? i replied - what is to do with who i am/ if i was born in forest who would i be? an animal?

being kurdish is not only the matter of nationality, for me is an attitude. thats why i make distinction - kurd is nationality, kurdish is attitude.

if you think its easy for me... No, not easy. Its not like adventure in my life, one more experience and spending my free time. Its not easy and pleasant, coz it coast me too many tears, that are genuine and that noone can see. last year in march i read about Halabja in internet, i read Nasreen story and i was very angry with myself and i told to myself - What the f*** you doing Kulka? stop crying, you are mental. Nobody saw that, like nobody knows that i listen to kurdish music in the privacy of my room - i am not doing that for anyone, i am not expecting anyone to appreciate that. And i didnt tell you that to admire me and appreciate it. Forget about that. these things belong to me and even if i express them, its not because i am waiting for people to admire me, i dont care. i express what i am proud of. its not easy, in any way. costs too much pain, too many tears. but i have no choice now. being kurdish was my choice, but since i did it, there is mno other choice any more. i couldnt liv e now without kurdish music, food, flag and all these people, who making me happy, who making me angry, who making me alive.

i dont know who i am, maybe nobody, doesnt matter. But i exactly know what i feel and i cant denide that, i cant lie to myself.
i could tell you a lot of things, what i feel when i am looking at my kurdish friends at work, straight away my imagination see them in kurdistan, at saddams times, and i can only think - thanks to god that you are alive.
i cant change my feelings, i cant do that for anyone and for any reason.

[Kulka]

i am very stubborn, like proper donkey.

my brother who work with me kak Jalal, gave me the necklass with kurdish flag in shape of kurdistan country. in our factory (food factory) people are not allowed to wear any jewellery, accept wedding rings. i am wearing that flag. kak Jalal told me - i recommend you not to wear it in production area, coz its not allowed. i said - i know its not allowed, but i am not going to take it off.
my friend, who is also my supervisor kak Maher (from Shaqlawa) told me - Kulka, you know you are not allowed to wera it. you may have problem if anyone see that. i reply - i klnow, but they must kill me to take it off from me. he said - so at least please hide it when you going downstair to production area. ok, i will put it under my t-shirt.
another time the same Maher, saw that flag downstairs on production area. he was very upset. he said - what you doing, if someone see that, may report you. i reply - who? you will do that? he said - yes, i will do that. i looked straight into his eyes and said - come on then, do that.
he didnt.

now i thionk, how to sort out one matter - coz if wedding ring is allowed, and if for me this flag is wedding ring - how to force managers to allow that to be worn on production area.

[Kulka]

MY HOUSE

as i wrote to kak Akam, at the moment i dont have too much, almost nothing. i dont have a place to live, even my own bed - coz my only family is my mother (some cousins, not too close family) and my mother is living in flat which is one small room and kitchen like 3-4 squere meters. i have no chance even to put my bed there. anyway - it is no point to live like that - the flat is ok for one single person, like my mom, she is ok living there. but i am homeless at the moment, coz i dont consider the room that i rent to be my home. thats the reason why i am in england, coz its the only way for me to make money - i will have no chance for that in poland. but because my life appeared to be broken by someone - theoretically i shouldnt have any chance and will to do anything.
why i still have? because i am kurdish.
again - theoretically - its almost impossible to do what i am going to do - make money (within quite short persiod of time, considering my age) and buy a house. but it will be possible. i will buy these house. but i will never say i did it myself. i will always say to anyone that i have this house thanks to kurdistan. if anyone will enter my house, will be able to see the pic on which i am going to write:

this house i have thanks to kurdistan

it will be written in sorani, kurdmanji, english and polish.

[Barış]

I'll admit that's a bit strange. If I believed in a god, I might think it is a sign or something.

If don't mind me asking, what happened to that Indian guy?

I don't think you're mental. I think ya have empathy and compassion...

I also have ''almost nothing'', by the way. One thing great about it is when ya move ya don't have much to take with ya.

[Londoner]

Nice and interesting writings dear Kulka.

[Kulka]

kak Baris - many times i was thinking about this (the first story), since i got to know kurdish people. i even tired to find in internet, on this radio station website (coz its still broadcasting), in archives, i would like to find anything about this programm, but i couldnt. but i think i will try if i will be back to poland, coz they are very close to my town, about 80 kilomiters, i will go there and ask. i would like to know who was this kurd (i suppose who it might be, but i am not sure). as i can remember now, that time the word "Kurd" i connected with people who live in tents and who are busy with keeping animals (sheeps or something) - i was thinking like that for long time. and till now most of polish people think that way. sometimes when i read what they are writting in internet about kurds... i dont know laugh or cry. but i only wish that polish cities look like Hewler for example.

temporary we have seasonal break in our factory, so i cant do anything about this indian guy, but i will when i will be back to work.

"having nothing" at your age kak Baris its ok, its comfortable, but as for me, i need my own place to feel safe - even if i will still travell or stay somewhere else.

kak londoner - thank you, i just want to share that with all of you